Oh F*@k Off Anxiety

anxiety

I have never really thought of myself of an overly anxious person. It’s not like anxiety gets in the way of me doing too many things. It has never put me off applying for a job, or pushing myself to try something new, or stopped me from talking to a complete stranger. It doesn’t get in the way of me living a normal life. And yet, somehow, it’s still there. I can feel it hanging over my shoulder, invading my mind with negative thoughts and making me feel a sense of unease.

It’s a bloody pain in the arse, if I’m honest.

I’m not entirely sure when it started, but I think the hormonal changes of pregnancy probably had a lot to do with it (me and raging hormones go together like peas and carrots). I think there are lots of changes that occur during pregnancy and never reverse. Memory loss, for example, after three children I am now left with the memory of a goldfish. Not a ‘oh damn it, I forgot to buy bread’ type of memory loss, more like the forgetting you took your car and walking home, or forgetting what day it is and taking your child to nursery on the wrong day kind of memory problems. Pregnancy literally turned my brain into an over-boiled cabbage, that cannot be uncooked.

Perhaps that’s where the anxiety began, out of a feeling of losing control, or never being quite good enough, or organised enough. Or perhaps it’s feeling like everyone one else has their shit way more together than I do. Who knows? I think I’m less concerned with where it came from and more concerned with working out how one politely tells it to f*@k the hell off.

Because, the thing about anxiety is that it becomes a perpetuating cycle. The worrying about not getting things done, about not being organised enough, thin enough, not having a clean enough house, not having enough time, worrying whether the kids have eaten healthily (you can see why it’s called generalised anxiety, can’t you?); worrying about not getting all these things right, makes it harder to do just that. You can’t concentrate, can’t perform, can’t plan, can’t make decisions, heck, even being pleasant can be a challenge. Then comes an even greater anxiety and even less ability to get things done.

You see, today I was meant to be writing a different blog post entirely. I had a plan, but that niggling sense off impending doom got in the way. I actually stared at my screen in a semi-trance like, 100% gormless twat-like state for a good hour, before deciding to throw the plan away and write this instead. Because, if this feeling is sticking around for the day, then I may as well go with it. And although I know I’ll hover over the publish button before going through with it, scared that someone reading this might think I’m a prat, or think less of me somehow, on the other hand there may be someone else reading this who feels the same.

If you are that person (not the one who thinks I’m a prat, I don’t like you), well, you’re not on your own. Although I don’t have the answer, if I did, I wouldn’t be writing this now, perhaps just talking about it might help. Either that, or we can wind each other up and get into even more of a pickle. Who knows?

So when the logical part of your brain fails you and all the healthy eating and early nights aren’t enough to stop anxiety from seeping in, just remember you’re not on your own. We’re all loons in our own way, let’s be loons together.

Follow:

19 Comments

  1. August 2, 2016 / 1:09 pm

    Love this and your honesty; you’re definitely not a prat. We can be in a pickle together 😉 xxx

    • August 4, 2016 / 10:18 am

      Haha – I might be a bit of a prat, if I’m totally honest ???? yay! Let’s get into a pickle together. It’s good to know everyone else is as bonkers as I am!! X x x

  2. Claire Lassam-Jones
    August 2, 2016 / 2:16 pm

    Not one for normally leaving comments but just a little note to say you’re not alone and it definitely resonates with me. I’ve been trying to write something profound and helpful but the best I have is “I understand”! X

    • August 4, 2016 / 10:17 am

      I’ve only just seen this Claire! Thank you for being so kind ???? do you know what, I think just realising that other people feel the same helps. Makes me feel less inadequate/bonkers to know other people feel the same way x x x

  3. August 2, 2016 / 5:00 pm

    Definitely can relate to this Kerry. We can be loons together. Loons are the best ???? Hope the anxiety gives you a break soon lovely Xx

    • August 4, 2016 / 10:15 am

      I think you’re right, loons have all the fun. At least when we’re not curled up in a ball gently rocking away ???? x x x I feel a lot more positive today, I think seeing comments from lots of people saying they feel the same way helps. Makes me feel less odd x x

  4. BloggerMummyLauren
    August 2, 2016 / 8:53 pm

    I can very much relate to this at the moment, in fact I have a very similar post sitting in my drafts which I couldn’t quite bring myself to publish. Anxiety is turning me to mush right now, and I wish it would bugger off!

    • August 4, 2016 / 10:14 am

      It’s so reassuring to hear that other people feel the same way, I didn’t realise so many other people do too! You should press publish, the response I’ve had has been lovely and I’ve realised that lots of people feel the same. It helps! X x x

  5. Anya
    August 4, 2016 / 10:15 am

    Love this – would you be happy for me to quote some of this in my book? I’m writing a book about motherhood and the pressures we put on ourselves, the mental health issues that arise as a result. My email is anyajoeli@yahoo.co.uk drop me a line if you’re interested in being involved xx

    • August 4, 2016 / 10:28 am

      Of course you can, I think it’s good to talk about it. I’ve been surprised by how many people have said they feel the same. I’ll drop you an email later today x x x

  6. August 4, 2016 / 10:26 am

    I couldn’t agree more, and feel like this at least 80% of the time. I go through phases of going in and out of anxious periods, and always have to tell myself that this too shall pass. Hope you feel better soon xxx

    • August 4, 2016 / 10:31 am

      I think mine has a lot to do with my hormones because it tends to happen for 1-2 weeks of every month. I feel for you having it 80% of the time, that must be exhausting. I totally agree with what you’re saying, I try to remember that it’s not a permanent state, sometimes that can help to make it pass more quickly!! X x I hope you find a way to manage it and feel good soon too x x

      • August 4, 2016 / 10:33 am

        Thank you. I think mine is linked to hormones to which is why it comes and goes, but I always have that niggle in the back of my mind. Sometimes just biting the bullet and getting things done that I’m procrastinating about helps too!!

      • August 4, 2016 / 10:39 am

        Yes to this too!! Which unfortunately for me probably means I should start the work I’ve been cleverly avoiding for the last 2 hours now.. procrastination is a skill I have mastered rather well over the last 32 years ????

      • August 4, 2016 / 11:12 am

        Ha! I’ve just started my tax return!! ???? ????

  7. August 5, 2016 / 4:46 pm

    Ahhhh you could written this about me! I’m glad I’m not alone. Whilst I was pregnant with my second I completely forgot my own mobile number. I’ve had the same number for 15 years!!! It really didn’t help the anxiety forgetting something as ingrained as that. I remember it now thank goodness ????

  8. August 6, 2016 / 12:34 pm

    Lovely I can completely relate – I would never of said that I’m an anxious person but the last six months I have struggled with it a little – it’s so annoying! Not sure if it’s motherhood, pregnancy or simply that I’m getting older but I do wish there was a cure xx

Leave a Reply